Tis the season

Wishing my baby girl a very happy 4th birthday - wondering where it all went.  I am amazed and how independent and articulate she is and I can't help but wish she would need me longer, climb into bed with me a few more times, tell me I am the best mother ever for just a few more years.

Hoping your days are filled with happiness!

Uneasy Truce

Missing you every day sweet girl.  18 years wasn't nearly enough. 

Stationery card

Simply Modern Band Holiday Card

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Stationery card

Simply Modern Band Holiday Card

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Things I love....

It hasn't been a great few weeks and while I could sit here and detail all that, it really isn't my style.  I try to stay away from downer posts, politics, religion and anything controversial that will come back to haunt me.  Tonight I was feeling really low and noticed a new trend on Twitter (or new to me since I can't seem to keep up with all the social media) regarding things you love.  I figured I would take this as an opportunity to be grateful for all my blessings and list a few.  I got to 50 before the 2nd commercial break on whatever useless TV show I was not watching in the background.  So for all it is worth, here is my list.

Things I love

1. My eyelashes on rosy little cheeks - butterfly like touches full of love
2. Sweatpants and worn t-shirts, no makeup
3. Hershey kisses - you can't just eat one
4. My sons playing with my hair
5. The baby kneading my arm as she drinks, watching her twirl her ear with the other hand
6. Crisp cool mornings and barn chores
7. Doggy breath
8. My pillow top bed and down bedding - and rolling over to go back to sleep.  I can't remember the last time that happened!
9. A deep kiss that makes your stomach do flip flops
10. Dancing to no audible music
11. Singing to a familiar tune - loud - and with the music even louder
12. Sunglasses and flip-flops, sand between my toes
13. Being pregnant, feeling the baby move, the sheer anticipation and wonder of it all
14. No cell phone zones - unplugging and getting away from it
15. Putting sticky notes in my kids lunches just to say I love and miss them
16. Green grass and blue skies, noticing all the amazing color around us
17. Deep breaths
18. Sunday dinners with family
19. A good fall football game in an open air stadium
20. Trail rides with friends
21. Really good stretches
22. Baby toes
23. Devouring a good book - even on the Kindle
24. Shopping for good music
25. Taking pictures and storing away little memories
26. Forgiveness and short memories
27. Building friendships and sharing secrets
28. Roller coasters
29. Slot machines
30. Going to Mass with the entire family - the entire warmth of God
31. Google and Wikipedia - what did we do before the internet???
32. Apple martinis - with a cherry (Catholics can drink!)
33. Leisurely dining with friends - where the time just flies and you don't want the evening to end
34. Travel to far away places with exotic food and different cultures
35. Putting my kids to bed
36. Saturday mornings - no work, big breakfast, total leisure
37. Wildflowers in old fashioned tin containers
38. Pink lipstick and silver hair - I miss you Grandma
39. Candlelight and bubble bath
40. Chalk drawings in the driveway
41. Waking up outdoors
42. White water and white mountains
43. Family game night
44. Midnight chats with my sister
45. Playing rummy with Mom
46. Patience and gratitude, compassion and love for others
47. Internet shopping!
48. Decorating Easter eggs
49. S'Mores and open fires
50. Flannel pajamas on Christmas mornings

I could add so many more but just these were enough to make me smile.  And I guess that is what it is all about.  My day wasn't wasted - I noticed the sun, smelt the air, loved on my children, gave tons of hugs, and I smiled.

I find it both humorous and a testament to my true nature that this resembles so closely the only other time I did one of these things - 3 years to the day.

Thanksgiving 2011

I have so much to be thankful for but mostly my family, dear friends and the health I seem to have gotten back as of late.  Add in a great job that I love, animals that fill our lives and a beautiful sunset every day, and I am one lucky woman.  Today I was also thankful for apple streusel pancakes and pumpkin spice coffee, compliments of my loving husband. 

As for the big turkey day, an amazing day was had by all and we were so blessed to have all 4 kids together and getting along for the entire day.  I helped Mom cook and even though this time of year has been rough as of late, we had a great time.  I even managed to beat her in one round of 500 rummy.  The food was amazing and we had a few drinks and watched some football, had lots of giggling and tickling and even a bit of rest.  Juliet got to have her first taste of whipped cream and needless to say, she loved it.  She also looked pretty awesome in a jumper and little poodle jacket and black patent leathers.  Yes, I have turned into a girl.  Took long enough.

Tonight I went out to put blankets on the horses and throw them some hay.  The stars were so amazing and it was so crisp and beautiful.  I hope my children always keep the holiday traditions and take time to notice the little amazing things all around them.  For me, I took the nostalgia all the way tonight and did our Christmas card.  I am a sucker for cute kids and for the first time, they have replaced my usual horse cards. 

5x7 Folded Card

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Finding peace and tranquility in a bathtub

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who also had a baby around the same time.  She was saying how much she enjoyed taking a bath with Sophia and how much fun her baby had and what a great bonding experience it was.  Fast forward a week and My mom mentioned that I should take a bath with Juliet.  Well, I nodded agreeing it was a great idea and filed it away with all the other things I would love to do if I ever had a moment to my myself without laundry piling up, vacuuming to do, dinner to make, folders and lunch to pack, stories to read etc.  I can never find time to pee alone and have only used my tub twice since moving in.  This went on the back burner.  Today it popped to the front.

We spent the entire morning with the boys at their soccer games.  We had such fun seeing all our friends from fall soccer and the boys got to see the Shorten sisters (their future wives).  Gabriella had one of those folder paper games where you pick a color and number and keep opening and closing your fingers and finally read a message.  She told Jason he was going to have a million kids.  When she did it again, it told him he would be rich.  We came home and ate a nice lunch on the porch and played in the yard.  As we were having our meal conversation (so incredibly important since it is the only time we are all together and seated quietly), Jason recounted his time with Gabriella and her messages.  I then laughed and told Jeff how her Dad told her to stop following boys around....even if they are 3.  I then went on to say I was happy he was going to marry her and have children.  Ethan piped in that he wasn't going to have any children.  Apparently he wants peace and quiet.  I couldn't stop laughing given all the grief and noise he generates in our house.  Pf course when I tuck him in at night, his sweet face and beautiful freckles are all that matter.  But a little peace and quiet would not be turned down if offered.

After dinner, I went to give Juliet her bath and realized, Jeff had the boys covered playing games on my computer, and it wouldn't really take that much longer if we went into my bathroom and I joined her.  So I did and it was amazing.  Her bright blue eyes were fixated on me as I floated her around the tub.  She smiled and was so relaxed, tilted her head back into the water and moved her legs.  All the while there was no noise, no television, no computer, nothing.  Just her and me and direct eye contact, soft baby bubble bath and skin on skin.  After I got her dressed and nursed her, she fell fast asleep and I felt full.

St. Patrick's Day

Just a quick post to write in the permanent record book that I cooked a traditional Irish meal for St. Patrick's Day.  A day late but I pulled out all the stops..Irish soda bread, corned beef and cabbage, potatoes, green beans, and sliced pineapple.  Okay, well the pineapple might be a stretch but E is learning about how colored foods are good for you and where they fit in with the entire food pyramid.  I needed some color and a fruit and was sure he wouldn't count the raisins in the soda bread.  I wanted to spoil my Mom a little for all she does for Juliet and I (and the entire family) all week and thought it would be nice to all have dinner together.  I even broke open the dining room and had an adult beverage.  Oh yeah!  Grandma would be proud.  I still miss her and hope she knows about Juliet and Jason and shines down on them.  Of course this leads to the entire life after death discussion and my incredible deep fear of dying and finding there is nothing and I just disappear.  From people's lives and memories and with all of my life meaning nothing and all my worldly possessions left with nobody to care for all the memories I so carefully preserve....and I am just not ready to go there tonight.

I think I am just feeling drained.  My day drained me.  The weeks seem to sap me.  I had to do the barn this morning, get the kids off, take care of Juliet, attend a meeting, volunteer at E's school, have lunch with E, take a conerence call in the car, hit the bank and grocery store for soccer snacks and dinner items, mail the check for the summer beach house, do laundry, clean house, take 2 more calls, get some real work done, meet the vet, bake bread, cook dinner, give baths, empty school bags, and more.  Then when my brain couldn't take anymore and my body was weary from rushing from one thing to the next without a breath, I had to pack the car for soccer the next morning and prepare snacks for 30 kids since I signed up to be team mom for both boys.  Yes, this is because I don't have enough to do in my life and needed something to get me off the sofa.  PLEEEEASE!  I think it is more out of guilt for being gone so much, occupied, tired, short tempered.  I hope it works.  If that doesn't, I gave up yelling at my kids for lent.  There might be hope if they gave up ignoring me.

One of my new employees told me he is going to find me on a therapists couch one of these days.  He has known me all of 24 hours and yet recognizes that 3 kids, a full time job, volunteer work and horses is too much for one woman.  Add in a puppy and burning desire to chronicle my life at every juncture, and I am just perpetually sapped.  Or is it a sap.  I forget.  Either way, say a prayer for me and my sanity.

Juliet's Christening

Yesterday was my little girl's special day and I did everything I could to ensure it was amazing.  It started with designing the invitations, preparing the guest list and worrying myself crazy over ensuring she had family there given the events of the last few years.  It struck me as so sad that my grandparents weren't here and that Jeff's Mom not only couldn't be here, but probably didn't even know Juliet existed half the time.  Alzheimer's is a horrid disease.

The ceremony itself was lovely with Juliet wearing the same baptism gown my sister and I wore oh so many years ago.  My mother cherished and preserved the hand crafted three layer gown and coat so that even the lace work was still white.  She had a beautifully intricate bonnet as well and she just glowed.  I still can't believe I managed to get us all out of the house on time.  It is amazing the chaos that ensues trying to get the boys ready, time Juliet's breastfeeding, get myself looking normal and not smelling of spit up, and herd us all into the car.  Of course with all my successes there were also failures.  I didn't get half the pictures I wanted but I guess the fact everyone behaved and nothing embarrassing happened at the chapel, I should simply be relieved. 

The weather cooperated and it was a gorgeous spring day with the fruit trees all blooming and the grass just starting to green up. The boys and I had planted spring flowers and Jeff and I prepped the yard and setup the house.  I had Irregardless Cafe cater an amazing brunch of all our favorite things:  shrimp and grits, french toast, crepes, egg fritata, breakfast potatoes, pastries and more. 

We had plenty of family with Mom and Dad, the Zanchellis and Aunt Susan.  Some of the best parts of the day included the early morning hours when it was just my daughter and I prepping for the day...staring into her eyes and kissing her full cheeks.  And of course there were the Godparents, Terri and Michael.  I am so honored to have them in our lives and standing up here with Jeff and I for our child.  Danielle and the girls came all the way from NY and that means so much to us all.  The boys love them dearly and they are the only cousins they have and know.  Ethan writes cards to them and both boys talk about them all the time.  Our new friends from StMM were nice enough to fore go the boys first soccer practice and come to share in our day.  Rob and Joanne and their boys are part of our spiritual family and with the boys so close in age (not to mention the love letters Ethan and Brendan write in kindergarten), there is always fun to be had.  Topping off the crew was my Godson, Justin and dear friends Claudia, Tracey and Christina.

What amazed me most was how well all the kids got along, how much fun they had and how the house was still clean and in one piece when everyone left.  My only sadness in the day was that my sister was not able to be here.  However, having her be there at Juliet's birth was so amazing and I am not sure I would have been as confident that first week with her care without Jean here with me at night when the doubts and struggles with feeding my baby descended upon me.  Jean's gift of support at that difficult time for me gave Juliet and I the foundation for successful breastfeeding.  I had to choose given how far away Jean is and in my heart I know I made the right one.  She will always be a moral and spiritual guide to my child just as I know Terri will be.  To me, I am the most fortunate person in the world to have such special people looking out for my children.

Mom and Dad bought the cake and it was an amazing Boston creme from the bakery in Apex...highly recommend her.  Then it came time for presents.  All of these people had already done so much and they were here doing even more.  Joanne bought the most lovely jacket for my baby, Tracey got her a frame engraved with her name and the date and a friend of Mom's sent a cross for her wall...to protect her and keep her always safe.  Terri bought her a baby cross to wear and an engraved box that had such a special inscription.  Michael bought her a gorgeous engraved pewter cup and plate and my Aunt and Uncle gave her a gift of love....the cross my own Grandmother wore and a note describing its meaning.  There was not a dry eye in the living room.

Jasonisms

Jason has hard a hard time sleeping lately and comes down the stairs 8 - 10 times while we are watching TV.  He has also been crawling into bed with me a lot in the early morning hours.  This morning when he came in he told me in his most serious and intense voice, "Mommy, I love you just the way you are."  Best start to my day.  And then came breakfast when he asked if we could give Ethan away since he was not very nice to me.  I couldn't help but laugh.

So much to do....so little time

It is fun being back at work in some respects but it has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  First, I said good-bye to my doula/psychologist/lactation support/adult companion and then also started a new job where I know nobody and nothing (more on that later) and mostly, I just simply miss my baby and the extra time I had at home to do things...like just simple domestic home things.  I also owe my friend Tracey a big apology and have already told her so.  I never fathomed how hard it would be to breastfeed.  I tried twice before and never quite got it for a sustained and primary nutrition source.  All the books and people tell you how valuable it is and how it is best...it is a cult.  But not once did I have someone be honest with me and tell me it totally sucks for weeks on end.  Well I have arrived on the other side with this one and am very proud.  However, it is HARD to keep it sustained when you go back to work.  I didn't think about how much effort pumping 2-3 times a day for 20 - 35 minutes each would be.  As nice as those hands free contraptions are, there is a lot of effort getting setup, cleaning everything, getting put back together etc.  The first time I tried it, I put the breast shields on with nothing else attached yet and by the time I got the bottles out and ready to attach, I had soaked both thighs on my slacks.  Lovely first day back memory.  Anyway, back to Tracey.

Basically, I didn't understand it when she returned back to work after Taylor.  Why these long disappearances when I needed her?  Why couldn't she take calls and multi-task since she was simply sitting in a room with a phone?  I mean, after all, this is a strength of hers.  REALLY?  Like somehow sitting in a room on a call worrying about the noise in the background is conducive to milk production?  How is that let-down thing working for you while talking about quality of products and the latest managerial issue?  Not so hot I can admit now.  There is nothing worse than feeling you didn't get in your pumping or get enough milk and now you have damaged your milk supply and it will be impacting the one thing that is the most precious to you.  The guilt starts early.  So this post is for you, my friend.  You encouraged me to keep trying and forced me to drink water (which I am now a pro at).  You made it all seem doable for me.  And although as a manager I knew better than to SAY anything, I apologize for my thoughts and diminishing how hard you had to work at both jobs.

Hi ho, Hi ho...

We had a wonderful Valentine's Day. It was Juliet's 2 month appointment and she had climbed from the 10th percentile to the 50th. I am so incredibly proud of us. Don't let anyone tell you that breast feeding is the most natural thing in the world. It is hard work, discouraging at times, is a large concerted effort, requires tons of help and support and make you feel like a walking pantry chained to the stock girl. To say I was overwhelmed and miserable, guilt ridden etc would be an understatement. For some reason though, with her it went differently. she doesn't have jaundice, I drank more water, my Mom got me some incredible cookies to help with the milk supply, my sister was here for the long hard nights that would send me to the verge of nervous hysteria. All I know now is that it is working, I finally had the guts to stick with it, and i am proud and gasp....tolerating it. The entire "oh you will enjoy it in a few weeks" might never come to fruition for me but I am loving the bonding and knowledge I am doing everything I can for her.

We had a cake tonight to celebrate all the events and the boys made a big fuss over the baby. They beg to hold her and kiss her when they wake, when they leave and when they arrive back home. They are so easy in their caresses and generous with their support, so thoughtful with their help for me and so independent with their new story time. They even let me sleep when I can.

It's back to work I go. And to say I am sad would be a tremendous understatement. I feel so inexplicably severed. Like half of me remains back at that farmhouse with my beautiful daughter . I miss her smell, her baby blue eyes looking up at me, her skin on mine. I woke at 4 to nurse her as usual and I never went back to sleep. I wanted to count every moment and stop time as I held her and changed her, dressed her, kissed her. Why does it seem so much harder this time?  I took more time off this time and did better staying disengaged at work.  I have had a lot greater breastfeeding success after an initial rough go and I don't want to lose that.  If I was being honest, I would say that I am also scared about her losing that bond with me, of missing a smile, a gurgle, any milestone.  I'm also scared of starting a new job with no safety net.  I don't know anybody there, I have no expertise and for the first time in my career, I am relying on my skills and brain to be able to independently apply them to a totally new area.  Man, what was I thinking???

Mortality bites

I am saddened today. Two of my high school classmates passed away this week at age 42. It doesn't seem possible. One was a mother who left behind 4 children. Of course that doesn't make the other any less tragic but my biggest fear has always been leaving my children. I can't imagine how they would deal with a loss of a parent and of course, I worry they will forget me. I am not all that altruistic.  So I started a new project today.  Writing letters to my children detailing what I want them to learn in life, know about me, and carry around with them.  I don't know how long it will take me to finish or how many iterations it will take.  But I pray I have time to each my children what they need to survive in the world and instill in them a very deep sense that they are loved.

The year in review - Facebook style

Tanner photo book I made for the kids

The boys keep asking me to bring up pics on the computer for them to look at. they want to look back on their times with our dog. He died tragically on September 15th from epilepsy and it has been really hard on everyone. We did get a new puppy Jake who is helping us but nothing could replace Tanner and the boys want to hold on to that. I was thinking of giving them this for Christmas but I don't want it to be a sad item so am still thinking that part over.

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