So much to do....so little time

It is fun being back at work in some respects but it has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  First, I said good-bye to my doula/psychologist/lactation support/adult companion and then also started a new job where I know nobody and nothing (more on that later) and mostly, I just simply miss my baby and the extra time I had at home to do things...like just simple domestic home things.  I also owe my friend Tracey a big apology and have already told her so.  I never fathomed how hard it would be to breastfeed.  I tried twice before and never quite got it for a sustained and primary nutrition source.  All the books and people tell you how valuable it is and how it is best...it is a cult.  But not once did I have someone be honest with me and tell me it totally sucks for weeks on end.  Well I have arrived on the other side with this one and am very proud.  However, it is HARD to keep it sustained when you go back to work.  I didn't think about how much effort pumping 2-3 times a day for 20 - 35 minutes each would be.  As nice as those hands free contraptions are, there is a lot of effort getting setup, cleaning everything, getting put back together etc.  The first time I tried it, I put the breast shields on with nothing else attached yet and by the time I got the bottles out and ready to attach, I had soaked both thighs on my slacks.  Lovely first day back memory.  Anyway, back to Tracey.

Basically, I didn't understand it when she returned back to work after Taylor.  Why these long disappearances when I needed her?  Why couldn't she take calls and multi-task since she was simply sitting in a room with a phone?  I mean, after all, this is a strength of hers.  REALLY?  Like somehow sitting in a room on a call worrying about the noise in the background is conducive to milk production?  How is that let-down thing working for you while talking about quality of products and the latest managerial issue?  Not so hot I can admit now.  There is nothing worse than feeling you didn't get in your pumping or get enough milk and now you have damaged your milk supply and it will be impacting the one thing that is the most precious to you.  The guilt starts early.  So this post is for you, my friend.  You encouraged me to keep trying and forced me to drink water (which I am now a pro at).  You made it all seem doable for me.  And although as a manager I knew better than to SAY anything, I apologize for my thoughts and diminishing how hard you had to work at both jobs.