Jasonisms

Jason has hard a hard time sleeping lately and comes down the stairs 8 - 10 times while we are watching TV.  He has also been crawling into bed with me a lot in the early morning hours.  This morning when he came in he told me in his most serious and intense voice, "Mommy, I love you just the way you are."  Best start to my day.  And then came breakfast when he asked if we could give Ethan away since he was not very nice to me.  I couldn't help but laugh.

So much to do....so little time

It is fun being back at work in some respects but it has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  First, I said good-bye to my doula/psychologist/lactation support/adult companion and then also started a new job where I know nobody and nothing (more on that later) and mostly, I just simply miss my baby and the extra time I had at home to do things...like just simple domestic home things.  I also owe my friend Tracey a big apology and have already told her so.  I never fathomed how hard it would be to breastfeed.  I tried twice before and never quite got it for a sustained and primary nutrition source.  All the books and people tell you how valuable it is and how it is best...it is a cult.  But not once did I have someone be honest with me and tell me it totally sucks for weeks on end.  Well I have arrived on the other side with this one and am very proud.  However, it is HARD to keep it sustained when you go back to work.  I didn't think about how much effort pumping 2-3 times a day for 20 - 35 minutes each would be.  As nice as those hands free contraptions are, there is a lot of effort getting setup, cleaning everything, getting put back together etc.  The first time I tried it, I put the breast shields on with nothing else attached yet and by the time I got the bottles out and ready to attach, I had soaked both thighs on my slacks.  Lovely first day back memory.  Anyway, back to Tracey.

Basically, I didn't understand it when she returned back to work after Taylor.  Why these long disappearances when I needed her?  Why couldn't she take calls and multi-task since she was simply sitting in a room with a phone?  I mean, after all, this is a strength of hers.  REALLY?  Like somehow sitting in a room on a call worrying about the noise in the background is conducive to milk production?  How is that let-down thing working for you while talking about quality of products and the latest managerial issue?  Not so hot I can admit now.  There is nothing worse than feeling you didn't get in your pumping or get enough milk and now you have damaged your milk supply and it will be impacting the one thing that is the most precious to you.  The guilt starts early.  So this post is for you, my friend.  You encouraged me to keep trying and forced me to drink water (which I am now a pro at).  You made it all seem doable for me.  And although as a manager I knew better than to SAY anything, I apologize for my thoughts and diminishing how hard you had to work at both jobs.

Hi ho, Hi ho...

We had a wonderful Valentine's Day. It was Juliet's 2 month appointment and she had climbed from the 10th percentile to the 50th. I am so incredibly proud of us. Don't let anyone tell you that breast feeding is the most natural thing in the world. It is hard work, discouraging at times, is a large concerted effort, requires tons of help and support and make you feel like a walking pantry chained to the stock girl. To say I was overwhelmed and miserable, guilt ridden etc would be an understatement. For some reason though, with her it went differently. she doesn't have jaundice, I drank more water, my Mom got me some incredible cookies to help with the milk supply, my sister was here for the long hard nights that would send me to the verge of nervous hysteria. All I know now is that it is working, I finally had the guts to stick with it, and i am proud and gasp....tolerating it. The entire "oh you will enjoy it in a few weeks" might never come to fruition for me but I am loving the bonding and knowledge I am doing everything I can for her.

We had a cake tonight to celebrate all the events and the boys made a big fuss over the baby. They beg to hold her and kiss her when they wake, when they leave and when they arrive back home. They are so easy in their caresses and generous with their support, so thoughtful with their help for me and so independent with their new story time. They even let me sleep when I can.

It's back to work I go. And to say I am sad would be a tremendous understatement. I feel so inexplicably severed. Like half of me remains back at that farmhouse with my beautiful daughter . I miss her smell, her baby blue eyes looking up at me, her skin on mine. I woke at 4 to nurse her as usual and I never went back to sleep. I wanted to count every moment and stop time as I held her and changed her, dressed her, kissed her. Why does it seem so much harder this time?  I took more time off this time and did better staying disengaged at work.  I have had a lot greater breastfeeding success after an initial rough go and I don't want to lose that.  If I was being honest, I would say that I am also scared about her losing that bond with me, of missing a smile, a gurgle, any milestone.  I'm also scared of starting a new job with no safety net.  I don't know anybody there, I have no expertise and for the first time in my career, I am relying on my skills and brain to be able to independently apply them to a totally new area.  Man, what was I thinking???

Mortality bites

I am saddened today. Two of my high school classmates passed away this week at age 42. It doesn't seem possible. One was a mother who left behind 4 children. Of course that doesn't make the other any less tragic but my biggest fear has always been leaving my children. I can't imagine how they would deal with a loss of a parent and of course, I worry they will forget me. I am not all that altruistic.  So I started a new project today.  Writing letters to my children detailing what I want them to learn in life, know about me, and carry around with them.  I don't know how long it will take me to finish or how many iterations it will take.  But I pray I have time to each my children what they need to survive in the world and instill in them a very deep sense that they are loved.