My Christmas letter - a tribute

I thought about sending one...but I didn't. I sent a pic to show everyone the boys I am so infatuated with and to give a glimpse into our lives. I couldn't bring myself to put words down on paper. I think it has something to do with my grandparents being gone. Ethan asks so many questions about them...where is Me-Ma and when is she coming back. Is she with God? Can we visit her? Is Pe-Pa with her? I try and explain simply but allow him to believe as I do. Jason only knew Pe-Pa and he sometimes identifies Pe-Pa's chair or room. I miss them so much and think back to Christmas times growing up and what an incredible part they were. I can't cook or bake without seeing her image and hearing her voice encouraging me. I can't sit in the kitchen and kibitz without wondering what she would be laughing about. And I can't deal a hand of poker without mentally dealing her in. I remember how he waited for us at the bus stop and how he took us shopping, unwrapped every ornament carefully and so enjoyed hanging them on the tree. He loved Thanksgiving and all the flurry of activity ...even though he never said much. His eyes laughed and his hands were always so strong. He would love a Manhattan poured in a rocks glass and we would beg for the cherries...always half and half rye and vermouth. I remember his sweaters and his beer and hat when he rode the lawn mower. I can't wrap my head around why they are so in my thoughts lately. But it seems to flow since all I can think about is family.

It is so inspiring to watch my Mom start celebrating life and the holidays again. Her entire life was wrapped up in taking care of them and us. With them gone, I think she lost her focus for a while. A tree is now garnishing her home again and I could have sworn I saw strings of lights hanging. I know she missed Grandpa lovingly musing over her decorations but this year she had 4 sticky hands that were equally awe inspired. I hope it is enough. I wish I could help make baking fun for her but it seems she has a hole there that I can't fill. She lost her best friend and her mother. I am just a daughter and it isn't always enough.




I've been watching the news lately. This is always a bad thing for me. I get profoundly impacted by any new items about family tragedies and this week there were 4. To lose a child is a pain I can't fathom and when I think about it, my stomach aches and I get choked up with a total sense of panic and loss. I pray to God he has a calling for these children and their parents that is stronger and more important than what they had here on Earth. I pray for the survivors to have the strength I doubt I would be able to muster. And I hope they find a shred of happiness in the world again. I just couldn't bring myself to write about how great our jobs are or how much we love this or that when these families were being shattered around me. Two brothers lost their lives in a tragic accident. When I was leaving daycare the day after, there was a photo of the youngest with his Dad on the door. He had been a student there. I still can't get that happy image of the two of them out of my head and the total dread out of my heart for that poor family.

So what does this have to do with Christmas or Ethan? I am saying prayers everyday to protect him. I am finding more patience to deal with him and our hard days because I have learned to be so incredibly grateful for having my children and the opportunity to be a parent. I cherish them and kiss them twice as much, hold on to their smell, trace their fingers, listen for all of their words, wipe away their tears. I hold on to this incredible hope that the biggest tragedy they will ever know is the past loss of their great grandparents after an incredible life, or that they think a shooting star is how their beloved horse made it to heaven.

Although saddened by all of this, I am going to celebrate every day, give of myself all year, count every single one of my many blessings and remember that there is an order in the universe that I just don't understand. Otherwise, if I can't hold on to that, I am going to refer to my Facebook post....I will never leave home with them and will become the largest consumer of bubble wrap. I don't know if anyone would consider that a celebration worthy of this life.

Jasonisms

So this morning I was cleaning up from breakfast and noticed Jason doing something I would prefer he not do. Me: "Jason, what are you doing?" And he replied, "Picking my nose" very matter of factly. Then, I had to go farther. "Why are you doing that? It's yucky", I said. He quickly responded, "There are buggies up there and they are yucky too."

Getting dressed in the morning we sometimes sit on the dryer while I put on his socks and shoes. After we are done, he wants to jump off into my arms. He calls it the "big dump".

Meals are still fun with Jason insisting on "big ones" or "top on" or "I want lots of them". We are now dealing with the fact that he screams orders at me instead of asking for things politely. I'll let you know when that starts working out in my favor.

Picking Jason up from preschool is one of the highlights of the day. You can't be glum when a child sees you from across the school or playground and drops everything to come running while yelling "Mommy!" and arms are outstretched so he can jump into yours.

Tonight I was putting him to bed and we laid together for a bit talking and cuddling. "Hold me tight, Mommy", he says. Then he wanted butterfly kisses on both cheekbones, right below his eyes. He smiles so brightly and makes me do both sides, just like Ethan used to. He tries to do it back to me as well and then puckers for kisses. He begs me to lay to hold his hand and I tell him I love him to the moon and back.

Then, it was time to leave and put him in his toddler bed/crib. I put some Christmas music on for them (classics for JT and the Chipmunks for Ethan) and leave. A few minutes later, Jason was hysterical. I run back up the stairs and ask him what's wrong. "Dinosaurs" he gulps out in between sobs. "Did you see some?" I ask. "You don't SEE them, Mommy...you hear them. And I heard their footsteps." Okay, so now I am somehow the idiot who didn't know you can't see dinosaurs? Or is it even worse and I ate too many brownies this evening and now my footsteps sound like a dinosaur?

I did my part and pretended to usher our the dinosaurs since the previous night when he awaoe, I tried the "there are no such things as dinosaurs" approach which went over like a ton of bricks. Tonight, I chastized them for making too much noise under Jason's bed and told them that they needed to go outside and play. I did cave in and told them all that they could sleep in the garage. I'm such a softie.

Family Portraits for Thanksgiving

Having all three boys, I called in every favor and bribe I know of, and got them all together for a family pic. The little ones insisted on having one taken with their "babies" and then we did some of the 3 boys and the entire family. They got us in and out of there in 20 minutes which REALLY helped and even Jason smiled and warmed up. He is so shy and Ethan is normally a big ham with funny poses. They even did a little collage with some of the holiday shots for us.

Getting our Christmas tree

We usually go get our tree the first Sunday after Thanksgiving and we hit the same tree farm every year. This year we got to do it in t-shirts instead of cold rain although we sure missed Jean and Russ. The boys were so funny as they ran from tree to tree and we got some cider and fresh spice cake as we shopped. Once we got home, the boys donned their gloves and helped Jeff put up the tree. Ethan wants so badly to be helpful and involved in everything and Jeff was so great at having him help. Jason brought his own stool to the party so he could help reach. We so love this season and are pulling out the Christmas books and advent calendar while also reading our bible stories and preparing bags of food for various drives. I am so cautious of them becoming too commercial. There is such a fine line between enjoying the holidays as a child and forgetting the true meaning of giving and honoring the birth.

So what is on the Christmas list this year? Ethan wants a skateboard and I am getitng him a termite complete with hat and pads. Love the board! Jason wants a dump truck and back hoe. No shock there. Santa is going to look for a cool race track and cars for them.

Thanksgiving in Indiana

For this year, we went to Fort Wayne, Indiana to visit with Jeff's Mom and step father. We stayed in this great B&B (La Salle) that really catered to the kids. They had a cute little suite with it's own entrance and we went up each morning for breakfast with the proprietors. They made crepes, and French casseroles, fruit and nut parfaits, cooked apple and spices, ham croissants, pastries and more. They constantly bought the kids special little snacks and left candy canes under their pillows. They put a little tree up for us in the suite and I highly recommend them. Our suite was decorated with an African theme since the owner, Rose-Aimee spent a lot of her childhood in Africa and Madagascar. The personal touches were amazing.

We visited with family all day and did some fun trips to the playground, local museums (Science Central), walked the down town area, and the Crazy Pins arcade. The kids had a great time and we stayed in Charleston each way to break up the drive. I made Mom's stuffing and gravy for the first time by myself and it actually came out pretty well. The kids didn't each much but I managed to get a disk thanks to Ed's babysitting prowess.

The night before Thanksgiving we were all tired from prepping all day so we went to Red Lobster and the waiter took out a lobster to show the kids. We had come crab legs and then walked down town to see the Christmas lights and find Santa. Of course, my sweet and shy Jason was having no part of Santa and it was cold so we didn't stay long.

October Itinerary

Wow...this month has been busy and stressful but a nice mix of good and bad going on. Bad: we lost one of our horses and I had to go away for business. Good: We had a lot of really fun activities and some quality time before and after the epic trip.

Oct 3rd: We did a Home Depot craft
Oct 10th: Attended a 5k run and IBM appreciation day
Oct 11th: I left for 2 weeks on business to India and China.

Upon my return on the 23rd, we went to the pumpkin patch, decorated pumpkins, hit the fair on the 25th, did a Halloween party at IBM on October 30th and then our usual trick or treating extravaganza at Uncle Mikey's on the 31st. I'm tired just thinking about all that!

We went big on decorations at the Homestead this season too. I spent an entire Saturday putting up decorations...mostly to assay my guilt for leaving and also to ensure they had fun with the season. Jeff loves this holiday and we always really enjoy going all out.
















I brought back some great outfits from India and China for the boys to try and educate them on the life in the countries I was on. A friend in India sent me home with the most gorgeous outfits and I bought these Chinese silk ones at the Pearl Market in Beijing. Ethan actually wore one to a party in Michael's neighborhood on the 25th.

Following Daddy

IBM had a family appreciation day and 5k run today and Ethan trotted off after Daddy early this morning to do the race with him while Jason and I fed horses and came later for the festival part. It had been a rough week since we had to put Pearl, our 15 year old QH down due to lameness and eye problems. I was so grateful to have Jason with me in the barn since it helped temper the loss. I know it has been hard on E too but I was so touched when he saw a shooting star the other night and said, "Look Mommy...Pearl just made it to heaven." He is so incredibly sensitive and wonderful. Please let me remember that on the days he tests us and tries my patience. I don't want to lose that intuitiveness or damage that deep and caring soul.

As for the 5k, Jeff said Ethan did more walking or riding in the jogger than running but they did finish. Ethan then went off to do the kids race and Jeff took some video. When I got there, E was all excited and showed me his medal and how he got one for his brother just because. I was so proud. Ethan told me he fell once but I didn't think much of it until later when I watched the video Jeff took from the end of the kids race. Ethan must have fallen pretty bad cause I can see him in the distance with an adult volunteer holding his arm and walking with him while he limped along. Then he sees the finish line and his Daddy and he starts running and limping as he crosses it on his own. Jeff never noticed but I felt so sad for him that he was hurt and that he had to rely on a stranger. And on the video you see him struggling and walking over to his Dad with his medal and no excitement or pride...just relief he found his family. I wish I could have been there to protect him.

On a brighter note, we had a nice time with all the festivities and enjoyed seeing our friends Tracey and chad with their daughters and Shannan and Ramin with their two children. Ethan rode the carousel with Josh and even Jason ventured a tour.

Tomorrow I leave for a 2 week business trip to India and China and I have left Ethan in charge. Somehow when he is empowered to do things, he handles situations much better. I also bought some cameras for our laptops so I talk to my babies every day. We made chains out of construction paper that we decorated and wrote love messages on. They can pull off one link a day to help them count down to my return. I truly hope this is harder on me than them. Maw Maw and Paw Paw are coming to help for a week and my parents are here but I still hate missing any little thing. You don't get these days back.