Hi ho, Hi ho...

We had a wonderful Valentine's Day. It was Juliet's 2 month appointment and she had climbed from the 10th percentile to the 50th. I am so incredibly proud of us. Don't let anyone tell you that breast feeding is the most natural thing in the world. It is hard work, discouraging at times, is a large concerted effort, requires tons of help and support and make you feel like a walking pantry chained to the stock girl. To say I was overwhelmed and miserable, guilt ridden etc would be an understatement. For some reason though, with her it went differently. she doesn't have jaundice, I drank more water, my Mom got me some incredible cookies to help with the milk supply, my sister was here for the long hard nights that would send me to the verge of nervous hysteria. All I know now is that it is working, I finally had the guts to stick with it, and i am proud and gasp....tolerating it. The entire "oh you will enjoy it in a few weeks" might never come to fruition for me but I am loving the bonding and knowledge I am doing everything I can for her.

We had a cake tonight to celebrate all the events and the boys made a big fuss over the baby. They beg to hold her and kiss her when they wake, when they leave and when they arrive back home. They are so easy in their caresses and generous with their support, so thoughtful with their help for me and so independent with their new story time. They even let me sleep when I can.

It's back to work I go. And to say I am sad would be a tremendous understatement. I feel so inexplicably severed. Like half of me remains back at that farmhouse with my beautiful daughter . I miss her smell, her baby blue eyes looking up at me, her skin on mine. I woke at 4 to nurse her as usual and I never went back to sleep. I wanted to count every moment and stop time as I held her and changed her, dressed her, kissed her. Why does it seem so much harder this time?  I took more time off this time and did better staying disengaged at work.  I have had a lot greater breastfeeding success after an initial rough go and I don't want to lose that.  If I was being honest, I would say that I am also scared about her losing that bond with me, of missing a smile, a gurgle, any milestone.  I'm also scared of starting a new job with no safety net.  I don't know anybody there, I have no expertise and for the first time in my career, I am relying on my skills and brain to be able to independently apply them to a totally new area.  Man, what was I thinking???